Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD! Maria Bamford More Quotes by Maria Bamford More Quotes From Maria Bamford If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile? Maria Bamford distancefamilyinspirational My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time Maria Bamford therapistscuttingsitting Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window. Maria Bamford creating-thingsfunpeople I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat? Maria Bamford makeupeyethinking I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford paralyzedfunny If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite Maria Bamford spitealivereason I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet. Maria Bamford guynicejobs My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli. Maria Bamford momreligiousthinking Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry. Maria Bamford summerinspirationalfunny I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too. Maria Bamford shoppingkissingrelationship Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love! Maria Bamford grossdoing-what-you-lovethinking I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better. Maria Bamford buddhistfeel-betterjobs We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good. Maria Bamford sometimes I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others. Maria Bamford richshareneeds Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. Maria Bamford risingwantworry Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty. Maria Bamford cupshalfchildren People get really irritated by mental illness. Maria Bamford irritatedmental-illnesspeople There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it. Maria Bamford gratefulfunmean I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good. Maria Bamford crisiswriting Time flies when you are anxious! Maria Bamford time-fliesanxioustime
