Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.” Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it. Daniel Tosh sunrise sleep Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. Daniel Tosh drug causes kids I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'. Daniel Tosh dating teacher school Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Daniel Tosh running fun country The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. Daniel Tosh hood cyclists enjoy There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one. Daniel Tosh home running country Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid. Daniel Tosh black racism kids They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. Daniel Tosh phrases ends should Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.' Daniel Tosh home pregnancy funny I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. Daniel Tosh voice funny ideas Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. Daniel Tosh stupid struggle funny How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. Daniel Tosh cheer funny sex I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! Daniel Tosh clever perfect funny Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly. Daniel Tosh guy nice girl Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. Daniel Tosh girl love boys I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.' Daniel Tosh sports people thinking This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. Daniel Tosh gay sleep night It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner. Daniel Tosh metallica games fun If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. Daniel Tosh europe soccer country Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. Daniel Tosh men sex art
