You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

Daniel Tosh

Categorized in : Kids Long Fun

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping... by Daniel Tosh

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

sunrise sleep

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you'... by Daniel Tosh

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

drug causes kids

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

dating teacher school

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

running fun country

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

hood cyclists enjoy

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

home running country

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

black racism kids

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with... by Daniel Tosh

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

phrases ends should

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

home pregnancy funny

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I... by Daniel Tosh

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

voice funny ideas

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

stupid struggle funny

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

cheer funny sex

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! by Daniel Tosh

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

clever perfect funny

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy.... by Daniel Tosh

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

guy nice girl

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. by Daniel Tosh

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

girl love boys

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

sports people thinking

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

gay sleep night

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner. by Daniel Tosh

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

metallica games fun

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

europe soccer country

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.

men sex art