Hookers don't like to snuggle. Zach Galifianakis More Quotes by Zach Galifianakis More Quotes From Zach Galifianakis If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles. Zach Galifianakis waffles pilates mean People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions. Zach Galifianakis grandmother mean people My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis girlfriend littles looks I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. Zach Galifianakis comedy brother dark I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind. Zach Galifianakis frustration real thinking I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy. Zach Galifianakis guy watches needs A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. Zach Galifianakis audience sometimes thinking I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy. Zach Galifianakis girl humor funny I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. Zach Galifianakis humor funny children When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. Zach Galifianakis choices people school I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?' Zach Galifianakis stars drinking night You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group. Zach Galifianakis groups focus writing I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well. Zach Galifianakis lonely mom son My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him. Zach Galifianakis humor funny father Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people? Zach Galifianakis humor race funny I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. Zach Galifianakis ivory brother goal It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison. Zach Galifianakis thanks comedy poison I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. Zach Galifianakis dream funny country I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins. Zach Galifianakis grandparent humor funny I call my balls the bush twins. Zach Galifianakis balls humor funny
