How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice. Jack Benny More Quotes by Jack Benny More Quotes From Jack Benny My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny loverelationshipfunny No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old. Jack Benny matterbelievepeople Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Jack Benny agemattermind I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. Jack Benny crazysuccessfunny A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper. Jack Benny richshowsmen Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. Jack Benny ignoranceprinciplesnames When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all. Jack Benny dollarsgivingtwo Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more. Jack Benny salarymoneytrying Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Jack Benny elderlyhappy-birthdayfunny A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. Jack Benny laughterfunnychildren I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. Jack Benny funny-loveromantic-lovelove-you Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. Jack Benny cuttingcookingfood It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause. Jack Benny pausesspeakknowing Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. Jack Benny golfbeautifulsports There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny hollywoodrealpeople I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. Jack Benny traysdinnergirl I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in. Jack Benny dumpbeautifulrooms I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse. Jack Benny violinthreepractice I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room. Jack Benny humorousnightfunny I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip. Jack Benny givingorderyears
