How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys." Mitch Hedberg humor boys funny I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. Mitch Hedberg stars humor funny I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'" Mitch Hedberg pie humor funny I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. Mitch Hedberg humor eye funny I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. Mitch Hedberg language humor funny So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny. Mitch Hedberg humor night funny Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.' Mitch Hedberg next-day airports night I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!" Mitch Hedberg hate humor funny My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg humor answers funny Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. Mitch Hedberg wall humor funny I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. Mitch Hedberg humor trying funny People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. Mitch Hedberg knows people Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. Mitch Hedberg humor funny fall I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. Mitch Hedberg humor funny two I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. Mitch Hedberg humor funny years A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop. Mitch Hedberg rigor-mortis humor funny If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" Mitch Hedberg groups humor funny I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. Mitch Hedberg humor funny kids I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again." Mitch Hedberg happy-again ends people You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that. Mitch Hedberg nice may thinking
