I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take... by Jen Kirkman

I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.

Jen Kirkman

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I'm sure kids had masturbated by sixth grade. I had for sure. by Jen Kirkman

I'm sure kids had masturbated by sixth grade. I had for sure.

sixth-grade grades kids

I am never home, and it's hard to keep up with things that are good for you to have in life like relationships, whether they be romantic or friendship. I have to work twice as hard to make sure I don't just check out. That's what I mean by vulnerability.

checks home mean

My nana was always a widow as long as I was alive; my grandfather died before I was born. All the women on my street - there were four houses in a row with all old women who lived alone who were widowed. They all had kids, but they were all widowed. My mom didn't put me in preschool; I didn't know that was a thing. I just hung out with these women all day.

I don't like to joke about dating. by Jen Kirkman

I don't like to joke about dating.

It [sex-ed] was such a slow rollout for me. I just didn't know wh... by Jen Kirkman

It [sex-ed] was such a slow rollout for me. I just didn't know what the hell was happening.

A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being... by Jen Kirkman

A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me.

My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me.

paris people looks

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids. by Jen Kirkman

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.

having-kids easier kids

Actually, my friendships are changing because my friends have kids, so that's a new aspect to the material. Not just that I don't want to have kids, it's that I'm having a hard time relating to people I know.

hard-times kids people

I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.

dad mother father

Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.

grandmother special stories

God, there's teaching biology and teaching sexuality, and it's two separate things. They mix it and make it more of a morality thing where it's like, "A man and woman have a baby."

teaching baby men

I'd also talk about the period and of course all the different gender things that people might feel that they are. I'd be a terrible teacher because of what I don't know about that.

different teacher people

I just try to live a moderate life of always checking and trying to be the best person I can be and I'm in therapy and am always working on something.

always-working being-the-best trying

Any expectation is what pain is. by Jen Kirkman

Any expectation is what pain is.

pain expectations

[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be lik... by Jen Kirkman

[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be like, "All right, fine."

fine congress president

I don't run around feeling infused with positivity, but I'll have to be taking my last breath before I'll admit I'm dying. So I'm either optimistic or in denial.

positivity optimistic running

That's the same thing that is making me like George W. Bush. "He was nice. I know he was nice. He didn't know what he was doing but he was nice."

I made a career goals list for 2017 and it's so funny. I have low self-esteem or something, so I put both wishes and goals. The goals were things I'm going to do anyway, because I have no choice because my job is to do stand-up comedy so I have to tour and I have to write stuff. The wishes were all things that could be goals. As in, I bet people who have achieved these things called them goals at one point. But I haven't looked at that piece of paper since.

self-esteem writing jobs

My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that "back to school" feeling ingrained in me so that time of year is when I usually do personal goals or resolutions.

august years school