I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Eddie Izzard More Quotes by Eddie Izzard More Quotes From Eddie Izzard If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan. Eddie Izzard if-there-is-a-godplansifs If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid. Eddie Izzard acidelephantsfunny Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). Eddie Izzard gunhumorousfunny Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? Eddie Izzard honeymeanthinking Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.' Eddie Izzard horseanimalcountry They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them. Eddie Izzard clothes I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive. Eddie Izzard just-believebelievepeople If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel. Eddie Izzard creativeplayfeels I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Eddie Izzard sarcasmsarcasticfunny You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!" Eddie Izzard dogsorrylying MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. Eddie Izzard ironicpolicetests The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them. Eddie Izzard starsmenthinking Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing. Eddie Izzard elementswingswar What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in? Eddie Izzard catdoorsfirsts Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' " Eddie Izzard lunchmorningfunny Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. Eddie Izzard scamsgoing-awaycat I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings. Eddie Izzard humanshumanitybelieve I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress. Eddie Izzard crossesdresseswant I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight. Eddie Izzard desertwantanimal I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible. Eddie Izzard kick-assgivingpeople
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