I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms. Ellen DeGeneres More Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres More Quotes From Ellen DeGeneres Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres procrastination humor funny The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. Ellen DeGeneres humor funny hands I know there's always going to be feedback no matter what the subject. I am shocked by somebody commenting on my shoes or my clothes. Everyone has an opinion, everyone is logging about everything and has an opinion. So I can't possibly pay attention to that. Ellen DeGeneres clothes shoes attention We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke. Ellen DeGeneres couple dog hot First of all, I don't think they have to go that high. That is not necessary, to be that high in the air. I think they're showing off, those pilots. I think we could just go really fast just a few feet off the ground. Just high enough to miss the animals. Ellen DeGeneres air animal thinking I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] I mean, I think this part is great but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored. Ellen DeGeneres baby jobs mean And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue. They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. What about the bangs are they shorter?! Are the bangs shorter?! The bangs! Ellen DeGeneres your-side cutting talking I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television. Ellen DeGeneres right-now feels television Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her? I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we? You know who you are. You're denying it right now: I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next? Ellen DeGeneres mad together people No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what i talk to my friends about. Ellen DeGeneres my-friends my-mom mom Catch-and-release, that's like running down pedestrians in your car and then, when they get up and limp away, saying -- 'Off you go! That's fine. I just wanted to see if I could hit you.' Ellen DeGeneres get-up car running Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time. Ellen DeGeneres wall party sorry In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean. Ellen DeGeneres size pants mean I have a terrible problem with procrastination. A friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring. Ellen DeGeneres procrastination waiting ideas I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out. Ellen DeGeneres perfume basketball doors You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful. Ellen DeGeneres powerful humor funny You talk to some people who are opposed to same sex marriage, and they'll say, 'If we allow that, what's next? Will people want to marry animals?'...You have to wonder about people who go straight to that idea --- and they think WE'RE weird! Ellen DeGeneres animal sex thinking Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. Ellen DeGeneres waterfalls romance funny I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going. Ellen DeGeneres cute baby funny What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out. Ellen DeGeneres hanging-out letters funny
