I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better tha... by Ron White

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

Ron White

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I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

giving years thinking

My goal is just to become a better comedian. by Ron White

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

comedian goal

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

tequila party hands

They call me Tater Salad by Ron White

They call me Tater Salad

salad call-me

Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks by Ron White

Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks

stars revenge war

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

recognition peers comedian

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomo... by Ron White

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

wisdom wise today

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I di... by Ron White

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

bigs knows men

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

cuban-cigars ems lasts

From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

natural beer hands

I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

decent cuban-cigars smoke

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

vices running years

I did have a deal for a little while a cigar company that never really materialized that much, except that I ended up with 100 boxes of my own cigars with my signature on them. Which is great, they are wonderful cigars but they never really fulfilled out so now I'm out of it. I can sign up with somebody else or go pick a blend or whatever. I probably will, there is no sense in not doing it.

signatures wonderful littles

Everybody I know is a joke writer. by Ron White

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

jokes knows

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

exposure exercise writing

I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309.

sunglasses color doe

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

common long looks

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. I... by Ron White

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

rocks stars sound

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

scotch real beer

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

comedian listening years