I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven Wright funsciencedeath If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? Steven Wright time-to-killkillingeternity Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. Steven Wright officershoursfaster 43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Steven Wright spotsstatisticsmade I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. Steven Wright black-and-whiteeyekids It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. Steven Wright wild-westinternetwest My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven Wright theory-of-evolutionfunnyscience The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Steven Wright tiredchristmasfunny I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright carcommunicationhome There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Steven Wright humorpowerfunny In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. Steven Wright hard-worksuccessfulway Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. Steven Wright sorrymindtime I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. Steven Wright glassesreadingtwo I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. Steven Wright comedianpeopleyears When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? Steven Wright humorfunnykids I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night. Steven Wright hatefunnyfall People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. Steven Wright trying-something-newcreatingthinking Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright inspirationallifefunny What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright nicehumorfunny Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? Steven Wright australiapeopleworld
