I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I... by Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Emo Philips

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Categorized in : Funny Men Humor

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

doctors grandmother heart

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

prayer heart morning

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

humorous funny thinking

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at k... by Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

motivational-sports humorous funny

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

men night thinking

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

forgiveness funny death

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

sexy money funny

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her... by Emo Philips

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

girlfriend eye relationship

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen tre... by Emo Philips

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

fur coats tree

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

panic love giving

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

special heart baby

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

emo nice funny

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

strange cutting nuts

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for l... by Emo Philips

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

items cuban luxury

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don... by Emo Philips

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

plastic funny looks

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes even... by Emo Philips

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

dies christ thinking

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

morse-code construction-workers paranoid

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

scots tough people

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

daylight dark kids

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

hate real race