I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea. Billy Connolly More Quotes by Billy Connolly More Quotes From Billy Connolly The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. Billy Connolly nuclearcomedylooks It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. Billy Connolly islamdifferentreligion If you give people a chance, they shine. Billy Connolly shininggivingpeople I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue. Billy Connolly hecklersticketsdifferent I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly Billy Connolly up-in-the-airadelaideair When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? Billy Connolly waitingwittyfunny Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? Billy Connolly humormotherfunny I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research. Billy Connolly realitypeopleschool Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. Billy Connolly funny-loveweddingmarriage Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away. Billy Connolly let-it-goswimmingfeelings My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. Billy Connolly bucketskitchenadvice Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique. Billy Connolly constitutionrevolutionunique Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" Billy Connolly humorbabyfunny If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all. Billy Connolly vulnerablestupid I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. Billy Connolly citizenspeoplethinking A fart is just your arse applauding. Billy Connolly arseshumorfunny Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question. Billy Connolly mountainguyanswers Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. Billy Connolly scissorsobjectsrunning I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. Billy Connolly angelatheistbelieve I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. Billy Connolly marijuanaangelbelieve
