I don't get depressed; I grow a tumor instead. Woody Allen More Quotes by Woody Allen More Quotes From Woody Allen I don't own a computer. I've never seen anything online at all - nothing. I don't own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It's not an act of rebellion. I'm just not a gadget person. Woody Allen gadgetscomputerstuff Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot? Woody Allen fooledidiotbigger Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging. Woody Allen orangeforgive-meforgiving I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen chess-gameteamfunny If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be? Woody Allen meatwould-bemen The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. Woody Allen jerseyhumorfunny Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes. Woody Allen politicalserioustaken We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice. Woody Allen despairchoicespath It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. Woody Allen homegraduationlife Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls. Woody Allen returnphonesdog In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote, 'My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs. Woody Allen mindsay-anythingphilosophy Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Woody Allen cuttinginspirationaldeath He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. Woody Allen humorsuicidefunny And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up. Woody Allen teethprophetshapes I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. Woody Allen lourdespsychologyyears What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage. Woody Allen lightaveragegiving I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes. Woody Allen analystsgivingyears I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. Woody Allen humorrunningfunny I could turn on my radio in the morning when I was getting dressed for school and hear Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington and Benny Goodman and think this is the music. Now that music is art. Ellington is art. At that time it was just what you heard on the radio. Cole Porter was just a guy who wrote pretty songs and Billie Holliday would sing them. Woody Allen songmorningart No Matter what you do there will be critics. Woody Allen no-matter-whatmatterwise
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