I don't have a bunch of s * about what happened, so if you came to hear that, I had like a whole show I wrote before this weekend, and I'm still kind of processing what happened, so at some point I'll talk about that s *. And it'll be serious and it'll be funny, but right now I'm going to tell some jokes.

Chris Rock

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lo... by Chris Rock

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

rich-money wealth money

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

smart knowing people

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

progress black white

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

free-food gluten people

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta s... by Chris Rock

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle

humor men funny

You can only offend me if you mean something to me. by Chris Rock

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

bullying ifs mean

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riot... by Chris Rock

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.

rich would-be people

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the p... by Chris Rock

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

daughter humor funny

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

white children america

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

baby funny lying

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

mcdonalds funny mean

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and... by Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

hilarious laughter funny

I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.

gourmet dog interesting

A man is only as faithful as his options. by Chris Rock

A man is only as faithful as his options.

loyal-and-faithful men religion

When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

sacrifice crazy children

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. by Chris Rock

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

taxation government inspirational

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear th... by Chris Rock

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

issues fool mind

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not... by Chris Rock

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

smart-people smart people

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

humor stupid funny