I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK! Emo Philips sundayreligiousmean Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. Emo Philips adultstogetherbelieve I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far. Emo Philips illinoiscarpolice I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.' Emo Philips humortodayfunny Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them! Emo Philips phonescellsdog In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again. Emo Philips blackcollegeplay I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. Emo Philips luckyhumorfunny I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks. Emo Philips floridarocksbeach Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block. Emo Philips gardeningblocksuffering Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes. Emo Philips comicminutesway My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles? Emo Philips dadbaseballhands I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine. Emo Philips quarantinesix-monthsimmigration I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements. Emo Philips voicetryingnight I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill. Emo Philips dollar-billscheerfeelings I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off. Emo Philips envelopestailstrying I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! Emo Philips bangsgivingkids I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out. Emo Philips morningtwopeople Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel. Emo Philips vowelsbuyingfeels Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia. Emo Philips guessinggermanysaint I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' Emo Philips girlfriendfunnyfather
