I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. Joan Rivers wittylifefunny It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers sexylovelife Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life. Joan Rivers parentingmotherhoodthank-god Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death. Joan Rivers fashionmatterdoe I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it." Joan Rivers uglyparentbelieve Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. Joan Rivers boardsdressestrying Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. Joan Rivers painmothersex The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers runninginspirationalfunny No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face. Joan Rivers botoxwhitemoving Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker? Joan Rivers cakehusbandmemorable The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud. Joan Rivers clothesfashionage We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak. Joan Rivers agingageway If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers womenwittyfunny I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers stomachwomenmemorable You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. Joan Rivers sexyagememorable My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. Joan Rivers mammogramsagememorable My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers funny-lovefunny-relationshiplove-you You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. Joan Rivers dentistcanariesrooms I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.' Joan Rivers rest-of-your-lifeworldthinking Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers fashionthank-youcountry
