I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.' Demetri Martin soundkidschildren I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things. Demetri Martin checkersheardtrain 'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards. Demetri Martin backwardsmad I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. Demetri Martin im-sorryhumorfunny Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. Demetri Martin towelspaperfirsts If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. Demetri Martin keystryinginteresting Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen. Demetri Martin queenskingsmen 100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. Demetri Martin mathgivingpeople History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned. Demetri Martin old-fashionedlooksrooms If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin im-sorrysawsletters I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands. Demetri Martin mindhandsmoving I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' Demetri Martin humorsorryfunny The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line. Demetri Martin distancelinestwo Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. Demetri Martin differencesclassmen I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. Demetri Martin heypartyanimal The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin glassesrunningchildren Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. Demetri Martin refrigeratorsmagnetinteresting I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World. Demetri Martin dealswonderworld The sofa is the enemy of productivity. Demetri Martin sofasproductivityenemy When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. Demetri Martin buttonstoesplay
