I guess there are no good people left, so let’s just get it over with, just tell us whatever you did, Jimmy Carter ! Barack Obama ! Tom Hanks ! Malala ! Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith. Stephen Colbert importanttakenpresident Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. Stephen Colbert pooropportunityamerica I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them. Stephen Colbert junkieexpectationstrying Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. Stephen Colbert newssouptelevision As we all know, reality has a liberal bias. Stephen Colbert biasknowsreality History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! Stephen Colbert gaybelievemoving Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. Stephen Colbert wizardsminoritiesyesterday If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate Stephen Colbert gayacceptingmade Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship. Stephen Colbert shipsdawnmilitary What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! Stephen Colbert communistpastadoe Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh... and everybody's high! Stephen Colbert brave-new-worldarmyrunning We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. Stephen Colbert surveillance-statecreditpeople So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. Stephen Colbert animalfoodtwo Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any. Stephen Colbert linescarewaiting Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American. Stephen Colbert mightpeoplethinking If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. Stephen Colbert gayenergycalling Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. Stephen Colbert drugpartyfirsts A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? Stephen Colbert teacherfatherchildren Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. Stephen Colbert toleratesecondsthirty Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. Stephen Colbert atheistreligiousjesus
