I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnykids The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! Mitch Hedberg drshumorfunny I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself. Mitch Hedberg carhumorfunny I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!" Mitch Hedberg blockhumorfunny I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. Mitch Hedberg humorhomefunny I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." Mitch Hedberg humormenfunny Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! Mitch Hedberg limoshumorfunny One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. Mitch Hedberg humorsportsfunny I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan. Mitch Hedberg humornew-yorkfunny I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. Mitch Hedberg humorlovefunny Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyneeds I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. Mitch Hedberg humornightfunny Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say. Mitch Hedberg takenartthinking I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. Mitch Hedberg humorjobsfunny I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox. Mitch Hedberg drunkhumorfunny A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" Mitch Hedberg humordogfunny I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed." Mitch Hedberg cuttinghumorfunny One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like' Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyson I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. Mitch Hedberg hungryhumorfunny My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long. Mitch Hedberg girlfriendhumorfunny
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