I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

Adam Carolla

Categorized in : Two Views Land

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

Adam Carolla

internet names feelings

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Adam Carolla

down-and gay looks

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

Adam Carolla

doors jobs believe

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Adam Carolla

smell humor funny

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Adam Carolla

time-travel traveler annoyed

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

Adam Carolla

smell judging asking

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

Adam Carolla

atheist law thinking

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Adam Carolla

good-life dog fun

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Adam Carolla

common-sense fists hands

Don’t do your best, do my best.

Adam Carolla

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

Adam Carolla

gay hate stars

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

Adam Carolla

bears

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

Adam Carolla

mean book moving

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

Adam Carolla

failing opportunity people

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Adam Carolla

six humor funny

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Adam Carolla

humor funny sex

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Adam Carolla

affiliation worried media

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

Adam Carolla

daughter fire mother

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Adam Carolla

chance humor funny

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Adam Carolla

cancer atheist christian