I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year. Lewis Black important years thinking I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!' Lewis Black humor home funny I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. Lewis Black theater real people That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone. Lewis Black upset humor funny What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks. Lewis Black republican differences blow There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. Lewis Black drink-milk fruit-juice funny I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn. Lewis Black play teacher kids Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. Lewis Black jigsaw-puzzles sight clouds I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me. Lewis Black parent brother long You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. Lewis Black shenanigans wake-up goes-on If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. Lewis Black health funny believe It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! Lewis Black humor stupid funny When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. Lewis Black water country television Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!" Lewis Black humor men funny Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration. Lewis Black agendas frustration people Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. Lewis Black meteorologists liars mean Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful. Lewis Black beautiful funny travel I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day. Lewis Black dwarves believe country If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular. Lewis Black abortion want rooms I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret. Lewis Black accomplishment secret running
