I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. Daniel Tosh sense-of-humorawfulacceptance Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. Daniel Tosh humormenfunny I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. Daniel Tosh iphonejobslong You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. Daniel Tosh stafftoesgun You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. Daniel Tosh first-impressionliarsfirsts You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live Daniel Tosh puffinscerealdream Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely. Daniel Tosh wandermindsometimes The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. Daniel Tosh duncescapsmodern I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets. Daniel Tosh humortalkingfunny I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved. Daniel Tosh abortionnormalheart I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom. Daniel Tosh momhurtsports How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other. Daniel Tosh gayzerogirl Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. Daniel Tosh underratedqualitygirl Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. Daniel Tosh gaykidsblood I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' Daniel Tosh beautifulfunnypeople No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all Daniel Tosh diesvirginsscrews You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. Daniel Tosh sockpuppetslikes I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. Daniel Tosh speak-englishhumorfunny Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell. Daniel Tosh crazyhatejesus Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. Daniel Tosh girlmorningfunny
