I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller motivational-sportsinspirationfootball I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller funny-relationshipcutebirthday You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller alligatorscompliments-youshoes If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough. Phyllis Diller wrinklesfunny-inspirationalhumor This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. Phyllis Diller clerkshusbandgun Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller birthdayinspirationallife The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. Phyllis Diller reincarnationdoctorsbody Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller growing-upsillychildren The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. Phyllis Diller marriagehusbandcommon His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Phyllis Diller hourshalfinspirational We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller hilariousmomfunny You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller typeinspirationalblood Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller hilariouswittyfunny I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?' Phyllis Diller made I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. Phyllis Diller beauty-shopsevenhours Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. Phyllis Diller doctorsheartsex My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. Phyllis Diller healthexercisefitness I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. Phyllis Diller blousespeople Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller marriageanniversaryfunny A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller smilehappinessfunny
