I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. Phyllis Diller medicine husband funny It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. Phyllis Diller film kind goes-on Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. Phyllis Diller three-times three water For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move. Phyllis Diller morning inspirational moving Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus. Phyllis Diller wall home people Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. Phyllis Diller coffee inspirational kids My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. Phyllis Diller coats law mother One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! Phyllis Diller experts baby children My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. Phyllis Diller husband law mother I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players. Phyllis Diller team stars football Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. Phyllis Diller our-wedding hours night Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. Phyllis Diller romance pages thinking Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. Phyllis Diller remodeling wife husband The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. Phyllis Diller elbows complaining inspirational All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. Phyllis Diller knees mother This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. Phyllis Diller tennis inspirational moving I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies. Phyllis Diller fur inspirational people He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. Phyllis Diller muscles inspirational moving Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid! Phyllis Diller absolutely-nothing placid lakes I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller pills grandchildren birth-control
