I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. Phyllis Diller lasts mouths missing My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in. Phyllis Diller hecklers timing appointments I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. Phyllis Diller morning baby inspirational Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards. Phyllis Diller get-well mind believe Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. Phyllis Diller wedding dog funny You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. Phyllis Diller about-yourself offending Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller aim-high aim feet Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. Phyllis Diller house inspirational lying I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. Phyllis Diller A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it. Phyllis Diller dog running mean This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. Phyllis Diller bowling balls men When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office. Phyllis Diller office play kids Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. Phyllis Diller moonlight ruins looks My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. Phyllis Diller stripes sister-in-law dresses Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens. Phyllis Diller parent spring kids Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. Phyllis Diller coffee husband giving I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. Phyllis Diller hate dog inspirational I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Phyllis Diller husband couple inspirational [When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck. Phyllis Diller tripping necks over-you It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Phyllis Diller turkeys thanksgiving three
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