I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys. Mitch Hedberg guysoccertwo Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg stairsconveniencesorry You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy." Mitch Hedberg crazyhumorfunny I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station? Mitch Hedberg humorfunnythinking I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" Mitch Hedberg sillywritingfunny I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose! Mitch Hedberg forksmachinespurpose I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. Mitch Hedberg humorrealfunny I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t. Mitch Hedberg farmsgrowsants XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?" Mitch Hedberg humorlisteningfunny I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus." Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyneeds I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!" Mitch Hedberg zerogirlfunny I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?" Mitch Hedberg humorfeetfunny I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!" Mitch Hedberg humorfunnythinking Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyway A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. Mitch Hedberg humorsleepfunny I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction. Mitch Hedberg humordoorsfunny I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" Mitch Hedberg humorfunnykids I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly. Mitch Hedberg differenthumorfunny I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers. Mitch Hedberg dadwritingfunny I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong. Mitch Hedberg humorviewsfunny
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