I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there. Russell Howard More Quotes by Russell Howard More Quotes From Russell Howard Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm. Russell Howard wife mean moving Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!' Russell Howard queens humor funny The Bible says gays arent natural. Russell Howard snakes gay talking I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all. Russell Howard guy humor funny So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.' Russell Howard mother funny father 'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!' Russell Howard police humor funny Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad! Russell Howard dad humor funny Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!' Russell Howard humor funny children The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. Russell Howard humor funny school What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled! Russell Howard humor opposites funny If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers. Russell Howard taken funny sex I've never said flange to a monkey! Russell Howard monkeys humor funny From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! Russell Howard predator humor funny Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU! Russell Howard humor bears funny Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you." Russell Howard valentine humor funny Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable. Russell Howard humor funny people She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!". Russell Howard humor identity funny I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb. Russell Howard humor eye funny Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life? Russell Howard humor funny I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade Russell Howard humor funny children
