I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Louis C. K.

Categorized in : Funny Fighting Hate

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

Louis C. K.

able important children

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

Louis C. K.

broken-heart pain hurt

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’

Louis C. K.

important self love-is

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

Louis C. K.

live-by belief

I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.

Louis C. K.

inspirational life funny

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Louis C. K.

comedian hate food

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Louis C. K.

president mouths matter

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

Louis C. K.

comedian funny death

I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'

Louis C. K.

confused new-york attitude

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

Louis C. K.

dumb done thinking

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Louis C. K.

christmas drinking funny

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

Louis C. K.

beats disappointment ifs

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Louis C. K.

girl funny kids

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Louis C. K.

education math men

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

Louis C. K.

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

Louis C. K.

hurt white funny

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

Louis C. K.

comedian kindness looks

You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.

Louis C. K.

laughing interesting thinking

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'

Louis C. K.

inspirational funny travel

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

Louis C. K.

thanks math kids