I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

Tom Segura

Categorized in : Observational Sarcastic Storyteller

If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.

hat ride you horse

It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.

me jokes want people

I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.

you rich dad war

I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.

fat me long people

I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'

day good myself you

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'

you car eating food

I think I'm a decent person.

i-think person think decent

I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.

bag best you experience

People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'

your will man people

I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

know you always audience

When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.'

road city you time

I'll never be a TV writer.

writer tv never

I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.

see myself think always

I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.

good you life people

I've never been a big party guy or super social.

big never party guy

I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.

man old-man events forever

Every person learns with time and experience.

every person experience time

I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more.

much more jokes used

You should make travel as comfortable as possible.

possible you comfortable travel

Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don't do it.

best tough advice kids