I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round. Dennis Miller More Quotes by Dennis Miller More Quotes From Dennis Miller If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka. Dennis Miller cracksmaking-lovereality There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference. Dennis Miller datadifferencesyears Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents. Dennis Miller yuleburninginformation Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we? Dennis Miller voteweatherwar Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix. Dennis Miller humorfunnykids The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. Dennis Miller american-education-systemsecretarywoods Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane. Dennis Miller airplanecarpeople Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. Dennis Miller dressesriversneeds Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we've now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty - in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come. Dennis Miller koreawarthinking Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts. Dennis Miller nutspeople After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp. Dennis Miller freedom-of-speechsummeramerica The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done. Dennis Miller whitehousewriting On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology. Dennis Miller thursdaypilotstechnology Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did. Dennis Miller hateraceyears Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock? Dennis Miller enrontied-uposama-bin-laden I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac. Dennis Miller bagsiraqwould-be Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target? Dennis Miller targetwhat-ifcircles What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. Dennis Miller takenbusinesswar I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. Dennis Miller stupidityenergygod I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. Dennis Miller cathumorfunny
