I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him. Lewis Black fossilsearthtrying There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever. Lewis Black reallifetwo A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' Lewis Black dadrunningfather If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. Lewis Black faith-in-godhave-faiththinking Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York. Lewis Black coffeenew-yorkmen Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work. Lewis Black hard-workwritingfunny All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. Lewis Black corn-on-the-cobhalloweenfunny All food is comfort food. Lewis Black comfort-foodcomfort There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks! Lewis Black perfectrealitythinking It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. Lewis Black distancetwopeople I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. Lewis Black sanityechoesneeds My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. Lewis Black uniformsproblempeople How our government works... it doesn't. Lewis Black government-workworking-itgovernment The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share. Lewis Black kindchristianpeople The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. Lewis Black bipartisanpeople What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' Lewis Black budgetingadultsdoe I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. Lewis Black happy-personcitizenspersons Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. Lewis Black divorcehatemen I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. Lewis Black democratrepublicanstills When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror! Lewis Black humormenfunny
