I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg upside-down necklaces let-me I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. Mitch Hedberg suitcases humor funny Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!" Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo. Mitch Hedberg fighting humor funny I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" Mitch Hedberg humor goodbye funny If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. Mitch Hedberg news humor funny I have no problem not listening to the Temptations. Mitch Hedberg humor temptation funny I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up! Mitch Hedberg humor simple funny People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. Mitch Hedberg quitting smoking people Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!" Mitch Hedberg humor home funny The customer’s always right. Mitch Hedberg customers If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. Mitch Hedberg hours half drinking I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. Mitch Hedberg baby book children I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. Mitch Hedberg want-something humor funny If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg humor missing funny Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. Mitch Hedberg humor air funny I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. Mitch Hedberg humor men funny I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. Mitch Hedberg guy humor funny Then let's print up some flyers! Mitch Hedberg flyers print
