I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth. Rodney Dangerfield makeuptruthmen My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. Rodney Dangerfield wifehumorfunny My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? Rodney Dangerfield riversteacherson I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. Rodney Dangerfield flightdishesrespect I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield hilariousmarriagefunny I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no. Rodney Dangerfield say-no-to-drugsask-medrug What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I Rodney Dangerfield childhooddogyears I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know. Rodney Dangerfield sorryrainpeople I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. Rodney Dangerfield datingmaking-lovewife I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved. Rodney Dangerfield unclesstupidhouse What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. Rodney Dangerfield childhoodkidschildren With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. Rodney Dangerfield doctorsrespectneeds I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield hilariousmarriagefunny We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. Rodney Dangerfield wifedogplay She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. Rodney Dangerfield humorfunnyschool Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise. Rodney Dangerfield blindgirltwo People seldom live up to their baby pictures. Rodney Dangerfield baby-picturesbirthdaybaby The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. Rodney Dangerfield shapesbodyfiction I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. Rodney Dangerfield shipsairportslucky My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield dadfunnyfather
