I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Steven Wright inspirationalmenfunny The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? Steven Wright starsnightlying Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright humortimefunny Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Steven Wright humornightfunny I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright humorfunnythinking When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. Steven Wright teacherfunnyschool I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. Steven Wright inferiority-complexinferiorityvery-good If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Steven Wright cathumorfunny If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Steven Wright humorfunnypeople Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. Steven Wright starsfunnybelieve How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? Steven Wright oceanhumorfunny always remember your unique, just like everone else Steven Wright uniqueremember Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Steven Wright humortastefunny I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. Steven Wright placeboquittingmatter There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright sarcasticsportsfunny Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Steven Wright questions-and-answersphonescountry The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Steven Wright timewittyfunny Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? Steven Wright batterieshumorfunny Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. Steven Wright sweatershumorfunny I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright selfworkopportunity
