I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. Dave Attell More Quotes by Dave Attell More Quotes From Dave Attell Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. Dave Attell girlfriend morning funny You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. Dave Attell humor men funny Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life. Dave Attell aspirin humor funny Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. Dave Attell magazines mean looks Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. Dave Attell couple sometimes firsts I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times. Dave Attell humor sorry funny I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think. Dave Attell daughter party birthday Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. Dave Attell beautiful funny sex Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. Dave Attell fireworks cousin gay You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation. Dave Attell machines humor funny I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother. Dave Attell dad military mother So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. Dave Attell dad hate funny Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid. Dave Attell cuz honey rooms Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. Dave Attell animal sex people Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. Dave Attell behind-you drunk thinking When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. Dave Attell rhinos humor funny If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home. Dave Attell horse beautiful sex I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. Dave Attell camels three smoking Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! Dave Attell crazy humor funny I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need. Dave Attell brother fun children
