I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

Mitch Hedberg

Categorized in : Men Tree Far Away

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg

dream life funny

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mitch Hedberg

glasses humor funny

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

sarcastic leadership funny

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg

really-cool humor funny

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Mitch Hedberg

humor association funny

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Mitch Hedberg

funny travel fall

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Mitch Hedberg

comedian ducks bread

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg

humor sorry funny

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

Mitch Hedberg

humor home funny

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Mitch Hedberg

cities sky thinking

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Mitch Hedberg

humor running funny

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Mitch Hedberg

humor hurt funny

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny two

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Mitch Hedberg

beef bags sleep

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

crazy humor funny

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

laughter witty funny

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

gum humor funny

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny sex

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

Mitch Hedberg

ducks giving two

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

witty life funny