I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout. Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either. Jim Gaffigan grantedexpectationspeople Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket! Jim Gaffigan toiletspocketswonder When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about. Jim Gaffigan eightwinningtalking Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. Jim Gaffigan strangecouple I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme! Jim Gaffigan peanutswowpeanut-butter Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen. Jim Gaffigan cakehumorfunny People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it? Jim Gaffigan powerfulcutebaby As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights. Jim Gaffigan dadpainlight Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad. Jim Gaffigan superfoodskalespecial It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating. Jim Gaffigan balancing-acthorriblefeels I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference. Jim Gaffigan runningyearsthinking I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die. Jim Gaffigan pocketshurtfunny I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life. Jim Gaffigan hairsleepchildren Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy. Jim Gaffigan creativekidspeople In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived. Jim Gaffigan actingawarenessmight Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January. Jim Gaffigan familyhappinesslove There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. Jim Gaffigan humorwantfunny Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling." Jim Gaffigan machinescuttingfunny That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail" Jim Gaffigan jailhumorfunny Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny. Jim Gaffigan comedianviewswriting
