I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. John Oliver More Quotes by John Oliver More Quotes From John Oliver You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?' John Oliver owlnumberspeople Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there. John Oliver companydrugschool Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts. John Oliver dutchlanguagedoubt Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. John Oliver baseballwarbelieve Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it. John Oliver trusteddemocracy I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King. John Oliver kingsbeautifulthinking One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional. John Oliver exceptionalone-thingamerica It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge. John Oliver knivespoliticalworld News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right. John Oliver cargameswinning The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world. John Oliver flagspeopleworld According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.' John Oliver floridagunlaw Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath. John Oliver aprilfools-dayexcited Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh. John Oliver wantlaughingpeople People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing. John Oliver stupidaddpeople Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f---ing wants them there. John Oliver cookieschocolatewant You don't need people's opinion on a fact. John Oliver factspeopleneeds Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to. John Oliver presidentlawlittles Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. John Oliver lendingmetsfans Politics has become infused with narcissism in America. John Oliver narcissismamerica Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury. John Oliver campaignsdemocracyfunny
