I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter. Dave Barry mphanimalscience If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies. Dave Barry musicsongtwo If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. Dave Barry shoesracenumbers As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government. Dave Barry governmentpowerfulenemy Turbulence.” This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, “Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence.” Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield. Dave Barry flyingtryingwater A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. Dave Barry anxietylaughterworld There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. Dave Barry there-comes-a-timeagepeople The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. Dave Barry failurefashionhumorous Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. Dave Barry yardseventsdog If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. Dave Barry marriagehumorfunny Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby. Dave Barry hotel-lobbyhumorousfunny This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. Dave Barry funnymeanschool Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. Dave Barry girlysimplemen What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. Dave Barry humorfunnyscience Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. Dave Barry tapefundamentalsdog As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse. Dave Barry marriagepartytalking I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. Dave Barry weight-lossinspiringyears Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. Dave Barry nuclearweeddoe Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry hilarioushealthfunny There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent. Dave Barry oceanseabeach
