I suspect I wasn't loved enough as a child.

James Veitch

Categorized in : Suspect Child Loved Enough

I had an awkward moment when I got a phone call from the person pretending to be Winnie Mandela. 'Winnie' sounded about 12 years old, unfortunately - she'd probably been pushed to the telephone because she was the only one who spoke English.

phone-call phone person moment

I get a ton of scam emails. But instead of deleting them, I decided to hit reply.

scam reply them get

Just remember: if ever you feel weighed down by the bureaucracy and often mundanity of modern life, don't fight the frustration. Let it be the catalyst for whimsy.

feel fight you life

Crazy stuff happens when you start replying to scam emails. It's really difficult, and I highly recommend we do it.

start you difficult crazy

The Internet gave us access to everything; but it also gave everything access to us.

also us everything internet

Most scams are absurd - so absurd that one wonders how anyone falls for them at all; yet if no one falls for them, how do the scammers make money?

wonders make how money

I think of the spam folder not as Pandora's box but as a costume shop in which you can play and play at being whoever and whatever you wish. If only for a time.

think you wish time

A lot of people see scammers as, like, just one guy in a basement with his computer, but actually, I think it's probably almost kind of a call centre.

see like think people

Some of the best scams that you get are the ones that pretend to come from friends of yours, because you can just say anything you want, because a scammer has no idea about your relationship with that person.

best you friends relationship

The marooned friend is one of the best-known scams, principally because it's the one that dodges the spam filter most often. It comes from someone you know but often only tangentially. It's since become - hands down - one of my favourite scams.

friend down you hands

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to be mean to the scammers. There are lots of people online who do that. I'm content merely having fun inventing, and I figure any time they're spending with me is time in which they're not scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings.

me time fun people

I woke up one morning to an email from my friend Alex that said she'd had her bag stolen. Ordinarily, I'm quite quick on the uptake, but - maybe because of the way it was worded - I immediately replied, 'What??????' As soon as I hit send, I realised I was being scammed. But then they replied, and I thought, 'Well, why not?'

bag friend morning way

I've sent thousands of emails - the conversations in the book are just the success stories.

just stories success book

I know some people whose father has basically spent their whole inheritance on scammers. He's old; he wants to feel important, like he's doing business, so he goes to his bank and pays out - it's terrifying.

feel business father people

I'd really like to be able to whistle with two fingers. Is this a biological thing? Is it to do with the teeth? Who teaches people to do this? How do I learn?

how like teeth people

My hobbies are playing piano and guitar, pining for girls, worrying about climate change, pining for girls, and the poetry of John Keats.

climate-change guitar poetry change

I just feel so upset when I think of all the lost years when I could have been doing stand-up gigs.

doing feel think upset

I do bits about dating but mainly about what I did and how incompetent I am, not any genuine people writing to me.

i-am me dating people

You can succeed as a terrible director, but try doing that with stand-up: try being a terrible comedian and getting up on stage. The funny will win out very, very quickly.

win you succeed funny

I remember it when I used to go out, I used to dress as Superman, but then I used to dress as Superman dressed as Clark Kent. So, actually, I would be like a little seven-year-old boy going out in a business suit. But I would never expose the fact that I was Superman, but I knew, that should there be any trouble, I could take care of it.

dress care business remember