I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. Milton Berle More Quotes by Milton Berle More Quotes From Milton Berle If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Milton Berle hilariousmothers-dayfunny Laughter is an instant vacation. Milton Berle familyhappinesslove If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Milton Berle changemotivationalinspirational The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle hilariouswomenfunny I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. Milton Berle encouraginginspiringlove My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. Milton Berle marriageperfectrunning My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. Milton Berle healthrunningfunny This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing! Milton Berle parentteacherchildren You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. Milton Berle agingaction You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. Milton Berle inspiringgraduationfunny Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. Milton Berle marriagewifemen Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. Milton Berle landlifeamerica We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. Milton Berle television-watchinghumorfunny Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore! Milton Berle whitehomelying Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? Milton Berle realisingsidesmen They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. Milton Berle christmasrealtree A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!" Milton Berle wittyjobsfunny At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. Milton Berle womentwoyears A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! Milton Berle missingmenfall A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle marriagehusbandlove
