I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth. Rodney Dangerfield makeup truth men My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. Rodney Dangerfield wife humor funny My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? Rodney Dangerfield rivers teacher son I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. Rodney Dangerfield flight dishes respect I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield hilarious marriage funny I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no. Rodney Dangerfield say-no-to-drugs ask-me drug What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I Rodney Dangerfield childhood dog years I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know. Rodney Dangerfield sorry rain people I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. Rodney Dangerfield dating making-love wife I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved. Rodney Dangerfield uncles stupid house What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. Rodney Dangerfield childhood kids children With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. Rodney Dangerfield doctors respect needs I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield hilarious marriage funny We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. Rodney Dangerfield wife dog play She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. Rodney Dangerfield humor funny school Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise. Rodney Dangerfield blind girl two People seldom live up to their baby pictures. Rodney Dangerfield baby-pictures birthday baby The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. Rodney Dangerfield shapes body fiction I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. Rodney Dangerfield ships airports lucky My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield dad funny father
