I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place. Jon Stewart More Quotes by Jon Stewart More Quotes From Jon Stewart By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream. Jon Stewart guaranteesdreamjoy You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. Jon Stewart long-agopoliticalpeople Here it is. My moment of zen. Jon Stewart your-mommoments It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'. Jon Stewart zinggoaldoe We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck. Jon Stewart good-luckwarfunny Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America. Jon Stewart redneckstatesamerica The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries. Jon Stewart twocountryyears Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart.". Jon Stewart smartintelligentanimal The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame. Jon Stewart blamegamestrying 'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for? Jon Stewart pmsmovementthinking I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys. Jon Stewart phonesgood-luckwarning Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. Jon Stewart want-to-sleepwantsleep Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool! Jon Stewart swimmingdadkids Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? Jon Stewart recordspeopleyears Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop? Jon Stewart scientistaccomplish The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!' Jon Stewart gamestryingkids Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria. Jon Stewart drinkingfunwar Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease. Jon Stewart depressingdiseasethinking Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? Jon Stewart quotamarijuananeeds Everyone just needs to get over themselves. Jon Stewart get-overneeds
