I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason. Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes From Anthony Jeselnik I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it. Anthony Jeselnik get-away mother baby You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. Anthony Jeselnik like-you hands looks I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy. Anthony Jeselnik comedy crazy thinking My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. Anthony Jeselnik humor suicide funny Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. Anthony Jeselnik racism people thinking My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. Anthony Jeselnik humor mom funny I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do. Anthony Jeselnik dark silly people I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. Anthony Jeselnik subway girlfriend yesterday The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about. Anthony Jeselnik found-you people thinking I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. Anthony Jeselnik cynical too-much way I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't. Anthony Jeselnik writing morning trying I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife. Anthony Jeselnik optimistic atheist thinking I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off. Anthony Jeselnik emulate genius I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs. Anthony Jeselnik homeless dog night Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it Anthony Jeselnik do-whatever-you-want want It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you. Anthony Jeselnik difficult tough passing-away Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album? Anthony Jeselnik tyson titles albums My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. Anthony Jeselnik player football sports I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same. Anthony Jeselnik football people thinking I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die. Anthony Jeselnik black ties gold
