I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.

Bill Hicks

Categorized in : Thinking Men Light

People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'

government years jesus

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?

vote jobs people

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should b... by Bill Hicks

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

humor life funny

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country... How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

mushrooms law country

The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a... waffle waitress.

waffles reading book

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.

self believe world

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

comedian smoking life

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!

hey puppets guy

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

real smoking jesus

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. W... by Bill Hicks

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

bullshit shoes tired

It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it. by Bill Hicks

It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

insane-world insane world

Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive. by Bill Hicks

Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive.

organization

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

gun eye simple

If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

cds political thinking

It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom. by Bill Hicks

It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom.

personal-freedom drug war

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at... by Bill Hicks

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.

eight sleep night

I think it's interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross?

nice christian jesus

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

humor night funny

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

block humor funny

I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero - that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun.

hero dream heart