I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their type of humor. I thought that I could do something more substantially meaningful with significant, thoughtful, analytical reflections on real life situations.

Jackie Mason

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Jackie Mason

inspiring love funny

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Jackie Mason

one-day grandfather watches

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Jackie Mason

girlfriend wife thinking

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

Jackie Mason

basketball play school

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Jackie Mason

health age retirement

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

Jackie Mason

successful father window

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

Jackie Mason

cake pieces differences

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

Jackie Mason

important new-york country

Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.

Jackie Mason

two mean years

I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

Jackie Mason

important sex years

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Jackie Mason

money humorous funny

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Jackie Mason

tears country america

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!

Jackie Mason

cake europe hands

The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.

Jackie Mason

keys giving ideas

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Jackie Mason

sushi kitchen two

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

Jackie Mason

crazy writing war

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

Jackie Mason

i-can trying people

The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.

Jackie Mason

hints corruption levels

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

Jackie Mason

winning country ideas

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

Jackie Mason

hate half remember