I've got a beautiful kitchen, which looks like a '60s version of space, with silver chrome, orange glass work surfaces, and brown leather, and it's entirely visual and has little function. I've hardly got any knives, and there's only one wooden spoon and one saucepan. But I think I've got a cheese grater, so that's good.

Noel Fielding

People said, ‘You must be mad, or on drugs,’ which I found a bit disappointing. What about imagination? It reflects our time that people sooner assume you’re on drugs or mad, rather than free.

Noel Fielding

mad imagination people

All my friends got dogs and cats for Christmas, and I got a starfish called Roy. I used to take him down to the park on a lead.

Noel Fielding

parks cat dog

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

Noel Fielding

depressing reality world

It's impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho!

Noel Fielding

ponchos unhappy impossible

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Noel Fielding

ponchos humor funny

I had always drawn, every day as long as I had held a pencil, and just assumed everyone else had too…Art had saved me and helped me fit in…Art was always my saving grace…Comedy didn’t come until much later for me. I’ve always tried to combine the two things, art and comedy, and couldn’t make a choice between the two. It was always my ambition to make comedy with an art-school slant, and art that could be funny instead of po-faced.

Noel Fielding

ambition art school

When I was 13 I told my dad I'd rather kill myself than do an ordinary job. He vaguely muttered something about how I'd need to earn a living somehow, but he's been totally behind me, forking out money he didn't really have to send me to university. Every other comedian I've met had to fight their parents to be allowed to do this but mine have been brilliant.

Noel Fielding

dad fighting jobs

I visited a friend in Leicester recently. It was 4am and we all ran around in a circle, six of us. It’s the most fun I’ve had since i was seven. And I thought: it’s not about drink, or drugs, or fancy clubs. It’s about running around in your socks, changing direction in a front room in Leicester.

Noel Fielding

circles running fun

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Noel Fielding

humor funny kids

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

Noel Fielding

humor funny thinking

When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.

Noel Fielding

crowds audience materials

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Noel Fielding

hate humor funny

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

Noel Fielding

humor trying funny

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Noel Fielding

humor boys funny

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

Noel Fielding

humor morning funny

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

Noel Fielding

arses stuck fingers

You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?

Noel Fielding

bananas black eggs

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

Noel Fielding

knives humor funny

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

Noel Fielding

humor eye funny

I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.

Noel Fielding

tiny mean way