I've never been able to write for stand-up. Elayne Boosler More Quotes by Elayne Boosler More Quotes From Elayne Boosler I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. Elayne Boosler humorous relationship men My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. Elayne Boosler fashion dog philosophy We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.' Elayne Boosler humor military funny I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler hilarious life funny A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. Elayne Boosler pages long years President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house! Elayne Boosler ak-47 hunting gun People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. Elayne Boosler funny-inspirational baby people The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. Elayne Boosler resurrection mother jesus I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' Elayne Boosler car keys order I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? Elayne Boosler basketball games years My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler funny-love brother love-you When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Elayne Boosler black-friday groceries shopping When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elayne Boosler strong-women depression country For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton. Elayne Boosler milk men mean Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before. Elayne Boosler done expectations men You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. Elayne Boosler hunting sports needs When the sun comes up, I have morals again. Elayne Boosler clever witty funny My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. Elayne Boosler biblical men years I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. Elayne Boosler equal issues opportunity You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number. Elayne Boosler machines numbers love
