I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you. Demetri Martin tendriverscar Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore. Demetri Martin campingpluswaterfalls At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho. Demetri Martin ponchosminutesfour A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. Demetri Martin idioteyelooks Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie. Demetri Martin machinesspeedhome The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them. Demetri Martin importanttryingway It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. Demetri Martin cleaningvampiregears I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. Demetri Martin usednostalgiaremember I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays. Demetri Martin gayhumorfunny Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden. Demetri Martin questsrocksgarden I like people, for a little while. Demetri Martin littlespeople Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill. Demetri Martin bowlingwould-beinteresting I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works". Demetri Martin togethersay-anythingbrain Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. Demetri Martin bananasstupidtrying Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks. Demetri Martin crawlingeasierjumping Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake. Demetri Martin bowstiesshould If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. Demetri Martin horsehumorfunny I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear? Demetri Martin toneearsthinking For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House. Demetri Martin summerhomeschool It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. Demetri Martin impersonatorswould-beinteresting
